Lesson 19
I’ve noticed that a lot of women seem to struggle with knowing the difference between a man who is hitting on them versus one who is just being nice. This confusion usually arises because women perceive ‘romantic interest signals’ differently than men do. Very differently, in fact.
You see, for most guys, when a woman they don’t know at all begins talking to them, they immediately assume that she’s interested in them. We men have this interesting habit of assuming that no woman is going to go out of her way to talk to us, no matter how friendly she is, if she’s not attracted to us in some way. I know it seems crazy, but this is how most guys think.
Unfortunately, this is also why most guys tend to get the wrong idea. Generally, women are much more social in nature and don’t necessarily see inter-gender social interactions as simply a means to attract a mate. Because a man might view a warm encounter with an attractive stranger as a potential mating opportunity, he’s more likely to put himself in a position of being rejected. On the other hand, because we tend to view such encounters as mating opportunities, it can also lead to some pretty fun and serendipitous romantic affairs.
If this is the way men operate, then it’s safe to assume that a man isn’t going to waste a lot of time and energy initiating conversation with a woman he doesn’t know if he wasn’t attracted to her on some level. With men, you don’t have to do too much guessing. Unlike women, mate selection, or “passing on our genes” plays an overwhelmingly dominant role in our inter-gender social interactions. This makes things embarrassingly binary for us. In a man’s eyes, you’re either a one or a zero. Zero means you don’t exist. One means we’d kiss you if we had the chance.
Now, just in case any of that was a little unclear, let me make this insanely simple…
If a man you don’t know is talking to you for any reason, he’s hitting on you.
I would even go as far as saying that this could also apply to men you sort-of know but aren’t that familiar with, co-workers you see every now and then who always go out of their way to get near you, friends of friends who always go out of their way to strike up a conversation with you, and perhaps even strangers in close proximity to you who clearly have the option of ignoring you altogether (like a guy sitting next to you on the subway or on an airplane).
Now, I know what you’re thinking. What if that handsome stranger is talking to you because he needs something? You’re probably saying to yourself, “Well, what if he’s just asking me for directions or my opinion on something? What if he’s service personnel and therefore he has to be extra friendly to customers? What if he’s just a really friendly guy and because no one else is around he initiated conversation with me?” Those are all cute questions, but the answer remains the same…
Nine times out of ten, if a man you do not know strikes up conversation, an extra friendly conversation that he’s prolonging, he’s attracted to you in some way and might love to see you again.
I know half of you reading this won’t believe me, and that’s fine. The other half of you, the half that I’ve intrigued with this revealing titbit about male behavior, be sure that you use this knowledge wisely. It is crucial to your success with men that you accept this new paradigm, as doing so can lead you to more fruitful interactions with the men you come across on a day to day basis.
The thing is, if you already assume he’s interested in some way, you can relax into your femininity and have a little more flirtatious fun with him assuming you find him attractive as well. Instead of wracking your brain trying to figure out if he likes you, or how you can get him to like you, or how bloated you feel today, or how your dress doesn’t fit the way you want it to, or how your hair looks terrible today, you can focus on your interactions with him in the moment and allow your true authentic personality to shine. In short, when you’re not concerned about being attractive to him (because he already thinks you are), it’s a lot easier to flirt with him to increase his confidence so that he’s more likely to ask you out (or at least ask for your phone number).
Of course, we’re all thinking adults here, so let’s use some common sense. This advice works best when considering the context of the situation. For example, let’s say you’re at your workplace and a handsome customer approaches you and asks you where the bathroom is. If he asks you this question alone and doesn’t make an attempt to prolong the conversation or make it humorous for you in any way, he is simply in need of directions to the bathroom (and perhaps urgently).
Situations like this, in which the social interaction is either brief, cold, corporate-like, or all of the above, shouldn’t be taken as romantic interest. Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to figure out if your Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome who needed bathroom directions was flirting with you. If he asked for bathroom directions and simply said, “thanks”, when you gave it to him, that was not flirting.
Of course, there are a few more situations to consider, especially when it comes to context. For example, if the guy in question is a legitimate tourist/foreigner and needs information, he might not be hitting on you. If the man in question is clearly not heterosexual, he is definitely not hitting on you. And if the guy in question is a salesman or works in some other type of profession where being warm and engaging is absolutely crucial to the size of his paycheck, he is probably not hitting on you.
I’ll also admit that yes, some men are just insanely friendly and very extroverted in their personalities. Fun-loving, boisterous older guys come to mind here, as well as the laid-back chatterboxes with sweet and affable personalities. These men are the exceptions, not the rule. Therefore, it’s still better to assume that most red-blooded men who don’t know you aren’t going to go out of their way to talk to you if they don’t find you attractive.
You should also accept the reality that some men love flirting and see it as sport. These are the types of guys who will flirt with tons of women in a single day, and not think anything of it. However, you’d still be wise to see these interactions as opportunities because you can use them to learn more about male courtship behavior. Guys who flirt for sport will still only put energy into flirting with women they find attractive. They might not have the intentions of wanting to ask you out, but if they’re flirting with you, they most certainly do find you attractive. You might not know Mr. Flirtatious’ true intentions, but you’re not trying to figure him out. You’re simply there to enjoy the interaction, learn something from it, and if the guy in question is genuinely interested, make it easy for him to see you again.
Also, try to keep in mind that even if a guy is genuinely interested in you and finds you attractive, it doesn’t mean he’s ready to settle down, get married, and let you have his babies. Again, it just means he’s attracted to you on some level. Don’t overestimate his interest as, “Oh, he’s talking to me, he probably wants to date me!” or even, “Oh, he’s talking to me, that means he wants to get married this year!”. For the love of all things sane, don’t think like this. Simply assume that your handsome stranger is into you on some level and ramp up your flirtatiousness to give him the greenlight that tells him you’re interested as well and wouldn’t be averse to seeing him again.
And if you’re afraid of coming on a little strong, don’t be. So long as you’re not giving off that noxious whiff of desperation, he’ll love the fact that you’re flirting with him. But if you’re especially prone to coming on strong with handsome strangers, simply focus on being warm, enthusiastic, and receptive. Let him do all the heavy lifting and simply have fun with him.
So, to wrap up, when you find yourself talking to an attractive stranger, a man who has initiated conversation with you, assume he has an attraction to you, but nothing more than that. Stop wondering if he likes you or not, because he does. By assuming he finds you appealing and likable, you can lose yourself in the moment as you captivate him with your warmth, enthusiasm, and flirtatious feminine wit. Know that he’s interested, but don’t become obsessed trying to figure out just how much. Let him illustrate the depth of his desire through his actions. Read that paragraph again.
If he says anything that clearly communicates his interest in seeing you again, then you can rest assured that his attraction was sincere. If he does nothing to secure a way to see you again, assume he didn’t want you bad enough. You deserve to be wanted bad enough by a man who is willing to make his intentions clear. So don’t torment yourself when a guy throws you a flirtatious glance, touches your arm, or mentions “hanging out some time” but doesn’t follow through after you clearly indicate that you’d “love to.” If he doesn’t distinctly ask to see you again or for your contact information (or at least a Facebook add request), simply enjoy the interaction for what it was, a little flirtatious fun with a handsome stranger you may or may not ever see again.