“What Do Men Really Want?” …A Mischievous Little Dating Experiment Gone Right

Lesson 16

Today I want to share with you a TEDTalks presentation by Amy Webb. In it she discusses how she “hacked” online dating to find the man of her dreams. There are a lot of big lessons to gather from her presentation, so be sure to give the video a watch first before reading the rest of this lesson.

Now, as a research freak myself, I must admit that I am immensely impressed with the way she used information gathering as a means to attract the man and relationship she wanted. Granted, you don’t have to take her data-driven approach for finding Mr. Right, but there are still a lot of lessons to take away from her tenacious “man hunting” process.

1. Know What You Want.

Everyone has a list of his or hers ‘ideal’ partner and relationship, even if that list isn’t written down. Write yours down. The human brain is a remarkable target-acquiring tool if you know how to utilize it. It’s been proven again and again that a goal that is written down and revisited often has a higher chance of being achieved than one that is not. So make a list of those qualities you most want in a man.

First, focus on those things that are crucial to your happiness. Secondly, write down things that you’d “prefer” in a partner but are not necessarily deal-breakers. Lastly, be both reasonable and realistic based on where you are in life. Be picky, yes, but be practical. For instance, being picky means you want to date and marry someone who enjoys foreign travel just as much as you do. Being unrealistic means you want to date and marry your now married ex-boyfriend or the next Russian president. So again, it’s okay to be very picky, but just don’t get too outlandish with your requirements.

Write your list down and refine it over time. But always, always look at it and think about it as often as you can. Again, your brain is a problem-solving tool that will provide you with ways to get closer to what you want IF you are clear about what you want. So get clear and make it easier to attract your Mr. Right.

2. Know What Your Ideal Man Wants in a Woman.

This is where most women who make a list fall short. They fail to acknowledge the fact that just because they want a particular kind of man doesn’t necessarily mean that this particular kind of man wants them. This is the harsh reality, but gaining as much knowledge as you can about the kind of man you most want to be with is the first step to circumventing this issue.

Honestly, you should expect an uphill battle on your dating journey if you haven’t educated yourself on the wants and relationship needs of your ideal man. The wise hunter learns everything she possibly can about her prey, such as: where is her Mr. Right most likely to hang out (remember my lesson about propinquity?), what kind of hobbies will he most likely have, what do men like him struggle with most, etc., etc. In my humble opinion, the Internet has given you a major advantage over women of the past. You can go online and gather all sorts of information about various types of men through books, magazines, their blogs, their Facebook profiles, their dating profiles, and more.

Some women understand this and take full advantage of this free information (like Amy Webb). So don’t be lax. The women who succeed at attracting the man they want approach it as they would any other goal. Sure, you want the process to have a sense of “magic” and “serendipity” to it, but there’s nothing wrong with helping things along by learning everything you possibly can about the kind of man you want most.

3. Accentuate the Qualities Mr. Right Finds Most Attractive.

The second step to circumventing the issue of getting your ideal man to like you is to communicate your high-value in a way that men find approachable and attractive. What I love about Amy’s process is how she didn’t become discouraged after realizing that her initial profile paled in comparison to the more popular and in-demand women on the dating site. She didn’t give up and make the erroneous assumption that all men are pigs who only want young, fun, skin-showing girls. No. She realized and simply accepted the fact that these girls were showing off their highest selling points in the language men most understood.

You have to communicate your high-value in a way that men (the kind of men you want to attract) understand. But you must ensure that the qualities you accentuate are the ones men are already looking for. Some women make the mistake of accentuating the qualities they find attractive in a man, thinking that by focusing on these qualities they’re more likely to find someone compatible.

For example, while you might want to advertise your Harvard degree, it might not be a selling point to the man you want. While you might want to advertise the fact that you can speak three languages, it might not be a major factor to your ideal Mr. Right. And while you might want to point out how well traveled you are and how many achievements you’ve garnered since completing your postgraduate degree, again, these aren’t the things that grab men’s attention. It’s not that these things aren’t spectacular in and of themselves. It’s just that men aren’t initially attracted to such things, physically or emotionally. Men might be impressed with you, but they won’t feel any attraction to you.

Based on her research, Amy realized this and adjusted her strategy. She revamped her profile description making sure to add in the optimistic, exciting, and easygoing words used by the most popular women, words like: fun, girl, love, etc. She even changed her profile picture to one that flaunted her more fun, girlish, and carefree side.

But why does all this work? Well, it’s because men are attracted to your feminine energy. The first profile Amy used didn’t display her true femininity. Her revamped profile, however, did an excellent job of presenting her as a fun, cheerful, girlish, and desirable woman, one who isn’t bashful about displaying her positive feminine traits. Just as Amy mentioned, you don’t have to dumb yourself down to get the man you want. All you have to do is figure out how to communicate your high-value in a way that men find both approachable and attractive.

In the end, I hope Amy’s approach to finding Mr. Right has both inspired and informed you. She was fearless in her approach and didn’t allow the harsh reality of the data to discourage her from making the positive changes needed to get the man of her dreams.