Dating Over 45: Are Your Standards Too High for the Men You Date?

Lesson 28

Generally, women in their late forties and older are likely to be more socioeconomically successful than their younger counterparts. Due to their cumulative education and experience, they have higher paying jobs, successful businesses, and have built up social networks that grant them access to more work-related opportunities. Many women in this age group also bring a lot more to the table in terms of personal accomplishments, financial savings, land ownership, and other material assets that help to contribute to their status and prestige.

Naturally, this outward success, combined with their highly independent, go-getter personalities (which they’ve adopted to help them get ahead), might cause these women to be a bit picky when it comes to selecting a potential mate. Because of their success, experience, and/or education, they tend to only be interested in dating men that they consider their socioeconomic equal…or ideally, one even more successful and outwardly impressive than they are. While this genetic drive to be with a man you consider your socioeconomic equal or superior is admittedly natural, it might actually be stopping you from getting the love and intimacy your heart deeply yearns for.

The thing is, being overly picky regarding a man’s socioeconomic status and success is one of the most effective ways in which a woman can keep herself perpetually single. Many women in this demographic fail to realize that having too high standards for the men they meet is actually a major hindrance. The love and intimacy they genuinely desire might be denied them simply because they’re not putting the odds in their favor. Dating at any age is difficult, but as women over forty-five already know, it becomes even more difficult to navigate the mating marketplace. Cutting yourself off from a supply of eligible Mr. Rights just because they’re not as successful, wealthy, smart, sophisticated, or educated as you are, is undoubtedly unwise.

To make matters worse, this “pickiness” usually masks itself as an attitude of “unwilling to settle”, and unless this pickiness is recognized for what it really is, the problem is rarely ever identified and thus solved. Don’t confuse being “unwilling to settle” with being “picky.” Being unwilling to settle for an abusive, loveless, lifeless, or subpar relationship is one thing, but being unwilling to settle for a man who doesn’t have a PhD or who isn’t earning six-figures like yourself is another thing entirely.

The most prudent thing women in this demographic can do is relax their standards. By being more open-minded in regards to what they absolutely must have in a potential mate, a new world of dating options will now be available to them. If we’re being honest, at this stage in their lives and with the success and status they already have, these women don’t have to completely rely on a man with resources to make them feel protected and provided for. Up to this point, they’ve done a great job at that themselves, and at this stage in their lives they’d probably be better off (and perhaps much happier) focusing on men that, while not as financially impressive or accomplished as they are, can still offer them a deep romantic connection and an unwavering commitment.

Now, just to be clear, I’m not espousing that a woman should relax her standards to the point where she feels an “unattractive imbalance” between herself and a potential mate. The kind of standard relaxation I’m referring to are minor shifts along the socioeconomic totem pole, such as being open to dating an intelligent man who only has a Master’s degree compared to your PhD, or being perfectly happy with a man who works in the same industry as you but might not be as accomplished professionally.

In the first iteration of this lesson, a very insightful reader contacted me and mentioned that she felt that I was encouraging women to settle for men who couldn’t keep up with them. That’s not what I’m hoping to communicate here. You might want to view the whole idea of “standards” as a sliding scale if you will, where for example, at one end of the scale is a man with a PhD who earns six-figures and at the other end is an unemployed deadbeat who lives with his mother. Even going down a point or two on this sliding scale (meaning he doesn’t need to earn six figures, have a PhD, or own several pieces of real estate in downtown Manhattan, etc.) can open up more dating options. The main purpose of this lesson was to help women avoid the extremes, on both ends of this imaginary scale.

Get super honest with yourself if you believe you might be overly picky when it comes to mate selection. Yes, you’ve worked hard your entire life to get to where you are in your career or business, etc., and thus, yes, you do deserve a good, successful man that you’re wildly attracted to. But things like “good” and “successful” are relative terms and can be re-defined to suit your particular needs as a love-seeking individual rather than your wants. A good man is one who treats you and others with respect and kindness. A good man is one that loves you and chooses to commit to you because he loves you, in-spite of your imperfections and character flaws. A successful man is one who works hard at what he does and has achieved what he set out to achieve (or at least he’s in the process of doing so).

A gifted, self-employed carpenter who earns around seventy-thousand dollars per year and enjoys his work is successful, just as much as a high-powered lawyer who earns five-million per year and enjoys his. Don’t fall into the trap of comparing a potential mate’s socioeconomic success to your own (or even to his peers). Be open to dating those high-character and deeply loving men who might not be as financially well-off, educated, well-traveled, or intelligent as you are. You might be surprised at the love, romance, and adventure you find along the way.