How to Capture His Heart with Your Words

Lesson 22

One of the most powerful communication techniques I’ve ever come across is called active listening. I first heard about it in a phenomenal book by best-selling author, the late Stephen Covey called, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Applied to communicating with a man, the skill of active listening is all about empathizing with your man and getting him to realize that you do empathize with him. It’s the meaning behind the slang term, “Do you feel me?” When a man feels that you understand him, he drops all his defenses and communication flows effortlessly.

Most people communicate by “waiting to speak.” They fill their mind with what they want to say to the other person instead of clearing their mind of their own thoughts to leave room to truly listen to what the other person is saying. The act of active listening requires you to listen attentively, then paraphrase and reflect on what he says while acknowledging how he feels without judgment or advice. Read that last sentence again.

Let’s look at an example of this in action.

Let’s say he comes to see you after work and during conversation says, “You know, I really hate my job. I feel like a useless cog in a machine, and it’s starting to get to me.” Don’t say, “Maybe you should look for another job”, that’s you giving common sense advice he could have gotten from his guy friends. Don’t even say something like, “Well, no use complaining about it. I told you working for that company was going to be a waste of time.” That’s being judgmental, and quite annoying to add. Instead, follow up with something like, “Your job stresses you out and you don’t feel like you’re utilizing your true potential.” This response will get him to agree with you because you understand how he feels. He’ll keep talking until: 1. He chooses to talk about a solution, or 2. He realizes that he’s just having a bad week, etc. and feels relieved to talk about it.

Another example, let’s say you’re out on a date with a guy and he begins talking about some recent life changes. While making occasional eye contact, smiling, and nodding every now and then (all good conversational body language skills, by the way), when it’s your turn to speak, before changing the subject or saying something relatable about yourself, try summarizing what he just said in a way that makes him feel validated. For example, if he says, “…I mean, it’s been tough adjusting to a city this size, you know? People aren’t as friendly as they were back where I’m from”, don’t respond with, “Oh trust me, just give it some time and you’ll love it! Maybe you just need to make a few more good friends or…” Please don’t do this. I know it sounds like an “okay” response, but if a guy is comfortable enough with you to admit, even in passing, that something is “tough” for him, don’t jump at the chance to help him solve his problem or “fix him” in some way.

What you want to do instead is focus on making an emotional connection with him. So instead of offering up an opinion or solution, you should respond with something like, “Sounds like you prefer the more intimate vibe of a small town. I can understand that.” Now, if you really become a master at active listening, you can even add in a kind and sincere compliment to show him that you’re not only listening, but that you admire him as well. Something like, “Sounds like you prefer the more intimate vibe of a small town. I can understand that. It couldn’t have been easy to move here on your own. I think it’s brave.”

THAT right there, that kind of sweet, kind, and understanding response will melt his heart, blow his mind, and make him stare at you as if he’d just discovered a hidden gem among women.

Responses like these will make him feel an undeniable emotional connection to you. It will cause him to light up, loosen up, and make him think: “Wow, she really gets me! Where has she been all my life? This date is going so well…she seems really interested. I hope I don’t mess this up. I mean, look at her! She’s gorgeous, smart, and those eyes… Shoot, she just caught me staring at her! Get out of your head, Jerry! Abort, abort…”

While these are admittedly simple examples, they should be enough to get you started on the right path. I’d advise really studying this form of communication because it can improve EVERY area of your life. Also, keep in mind that while it might take a lifetime to master, the art of active listening is easy to implement, and the benefits of doing so far outweigh the “inconvenience” of learning how to apply it.

I suggest that you find creative ways to implement this insanely simple communication technique when interacting with men, as it has the power to take your romantic relationships from mediocre to spectacular in a surprisingly short amount of time.