Lesson 39
I’ll let you in on a little secret. If you want to win a man’s trust fast, stand by his side when he’s under pressure. Whether it’s a sudden misfortune or a conflict involving someone else, resist the urge to let your insecurities take over. Even if he’s at fault, stand by his side in the moment, then address the issue privately later. If a guy has already proven himself as reliable and worthy of your respect, when the world pushes against him, ensure that you’re right by his side pushing back (or at least cheerleading him on as he does). As I state in my book, The 7 Irresistible Qualities Men Want In A Woman, unwavering loyalty is one of the most important and desirable qualities that ALL relationship-minded men desire in a woman.
Now, just in case you’re not exactly sure what “not having his back” actually looks like to a man, here are a few examples to consider:
- Amy is meeting Chuck’s friends for the first time. At some point during the outing, Chuck says something that causes him to become the butt of a joke. He’s trying to be a good sport about it but becomes flustered as his friends lay into him. Unfortunately, in an attempt to fit in with the group, Amy joins in with Chuck’s friends on the joke. Chuck is beginning to wonder if his taste in friends…and women, just plain sucks. Sadly, Amy has chosen poorly.
- Richard gets into a car accident and the other driver starts arguing with him. Richard is in the wrong, and because Laura prides herself on fairness, instead of taking Richard’s side or at least keeping silent for the moment, she sides with the other driver. Laura has chosen poorly.
- Roy is enjoying a Sunday brunch with Beth and her family. He gets into a heated (but non-violent) argument with her cousin, Kayden, over something that means a lot to him. Beth thinks her cousin is right, so she sides with him in a way that helps Kayden win the argument. Beth’s involvement ends the discussion, but not in the way she had hoped. Roy seethes quietly in the car while dropping her back to her place. Beth has chosen poorly.
- Jennifer has been having an issue with her car as of late. Instead of telling her new beau, Liam, about it and giving him an opportunity to be her knight-in-shining-armour, she decides to ask, Charlie, one of her old-yet-no-longer-relevant flames for help. Granted, Charlie is really good with this sort of stuff and has always helped fix her car in the past, but Liam still feels hurt and insignificant. Jen does her best to explain that she’s just used to Charlie fixing stuff for her, but Liam doesn’t care. Heck, Liam doesn’t care if Charlie was the world’s greatest mechanic. He still feels betrayed, and even insulted that Jennifer would run straight to Charlie instead of asking him for help first. He doesn’t explicitly say it, but deep down he feels as if Jennifer didn’t believe he could have gotten the job done for her. Jennifer, though she did manage to get her car fixed quickly, has chosen poorly.
- There’s a mix-up at a particular venue where Brody and Teresa were planning on visiting. The front desk insists that Brody made a mistake with the reservations. Brody insists that the front desk is full of crap. Teresa actually does remember that it was Brody’s mistake, and she publicly contradicts him by informing him of said mistake in front of the front desk agent. Teresa, bless her heart, is not wrong, but she has chosen poorly.
- Kyle gets canned from his job because of a mistake he made. He feels like crap for it and is angry at management for being unnecessarily ruthless about it due to some internal company politics. Mandy decides to give him some stern life coaching about why it was his fault for getting fired. Because Kyle wasn’t emotionally supported in his time of need, he responded poorly to Mandy’s input. Mandy is well-intentioned, but for Kyle’s moment of crisis…she chose poorly.
I could go on, but I think you get the picture. In all of these examples, the ladies have unfortunately chosen poorly and decided to publicly contradict, humiliate, or stand against their men in their moment of need. When these types of situations present themselves, don’t side with the enemy, judge, or try to correct your guy then and there. Stand with him in the moment, and if it’s a situation where you feel the need to correct him or address the issue, you deal with it later and in private.
Now, if your guy is in error and you absolutely must say something in the moment to quickly resolve or de-escalate a situation, do it with the kind of grace and tact that leaves his dignity intact. The key is tone, timing, and tact. In other words, how you say it matters far more than what you say. A soft correction delivered with respect can calm a situation, but a sharp one delivered with frustration can make him feel exposed and emasculated.
In the mind of a man, few things cut as deep as the feeling of a woman’s betrayal, especially if it occurs in public. Her failure to publicly stand by his side, regardless if he’s the one who screwed up or not, will make him look and feel even worse.
Interestingly, if the situation was in reverse, most women would want her man to stand by her side as well.
To sell this point, try to imagine a scenario in which you were out with a guy you really liked and you two ended up running into some of your female co-workers that regularly make your life a living hell. Now imagine them giving you a hard time in front of your date. What would you want him to do in that moment?
Think about it.
In situations where taking his side won’t lead to violence, jail time, getting fired, or some other major fallout, take his side! Furthermore, as long as he’s not being a complete jerk or bully to another human being, take his side! I could understand why some women won’t see the point in doing so, but keep in mind that the masculine point of view is very different from your own. Of course, if you think I’m just blowing hot air, ask any guy you know who isn’t afraid to speak his mind. For us guys, when the woman we love (and would easily go full John Wick for) doesn’t have our back, it stings. And if it happens frequently, it will make a man re-evaluate his commitment to her.
Every Clyde wants his Bonnie, and every Dick needs his Jane. As long as your guy isn’t breaking the law, crossing your boundaries, or creating a situation that can lead to physical harm, financial ruin, or a public flogging, consider standing by his side. No one is perfect. If he’s gotten himself into a situation that you can help him get out of, then help him in a supportive “Don’t worry, Babe, we got this!” kind of way. If your first instinct is to stand against him during conflict or a crisis, he will find it immensely difficult to put his trust in you. He won’t be able to feel emotionally safe with you, and the “love” you say that you have for him will feel as fake as Monopoly money.
All men, yes, even your Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome will sometimes say and do foolish things that might embarrass you or antagonize others. They will get into inflammatory arguments, suck at certain activities, take the unpopular stance in discussions, make cringeworthy jokes, get lost, cause accidents, ask stupid questions, be the butt of jokes, have embarrassing pop-cultural tastes (who cares if he likes Michael Bay movies), and sometimes act in surprisingly unsophisticated ways. If you find it difficult to publicly stand by your guy during moments like these, he simply might not be the right guy for you.