Lesson 25
According to the research done by Rachel Greenwald, author of the book, Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love…Or Never Call Back, the number one reason why the men she interviewed said that they didn’t call a woman back for another date was simply because she was too “bossy.” After interviewing over one-thousand men about the things that increased their desire to see a woman again (or not), their comments about the “Boss Lady” kept surprising her and gave her an eye-opening view into how men observe and appraise female behavior, especially when it came to first impressions.
Based on her book, the “Boss Lady” was simply a title that men gave to women who were argumentative, competitive, controlling, not feminine, too independent, and not nurturing. On their dates with these women, the guys would admit to feeling an almost immediate loss of attraction whenever these dominant behaviors revealed themselves.
These dominant behaviors fell into the aforementioned six different categories, and the men in her study lamented that the “bossy” women they dated and didn’t call back had some combination of these traits.
Here’s a quick look at these behaviors and what they might look like to a man:
Argumentative
- Trying to prove that you’re smarter than him by escalating a simple discussion into a combative debate. (Men want intellectual conversations with a woman to be fun and refreshing, rather than combative and heated.)
- Disagreeing with him about his choices, preferences, and desires. (For example, if you’re on a date and you realize he’s a Paleo fanatic, there’s really no need to argue with him and try convince him otherwise just because you feel guilty about enjoying that big bowl of bread-sticks the waiter just brought. Eat, be merry, and let the poor guy be.)
Competitive
- Trying to prove you’re better than him by destroying him in something that was supposed to have been fun. (This won’t apply to all men, but there are a lot of them who won’t take well to losing badly, whether their competitor be male or female. If you really like the guy, it’s just a date, so have fun and maybe take it easy on him. If you’ve been bowling with your Dad since you were a kid, take it easy on Mr. Doesn’t-Even-Own-His-Own-Bowling-Ball. You don’t have to let him win (although it doesn’t hurt), but you don’t have to grandstand and rub it in either when you do win. No guy wants to hear, “Ha! In your face! Hahaha! Man, do you suck at this!”, after getting his butt kicked on a first date by his date.)
- Trying to get your way rather than finding a win-win solution. (This sort of behavior reveals itself in the most mundane, everyday ways, such as when making plans to see each other. If you guys are trying to engineer the most ideal way to meet up for a rendezvous, don’t lead him to believe you’re difficult to get along with just because you’d rather he followed your proposal for meeting up rather than settling on a plan that also accommodates his needs. So long as it’s reasonable, try to meet him in the middle.)
- Having to win every argument rather than disagreeing graciously. (Greenwald gave a great example of a guy at a dinner party with a potential girlfriend. While he admitted she had “potential”, he lost interest in her when she got into a heated political debate with another guy at the dinner party. It wasn’t that he didn’t admire her passion (he did), it was the fact that she seemed more interested in “being right” and proving her adversary wrong as opposed to sharing her ideas in a gracious manner.)
Controlling
- Subtle, “helpful” comments that make you seem more like an overbearing mother or bossy older sister. (Example, “No, you’re doing it wrong. Let me do it.” Or, “I don’t want to sit here, let’s go over there.” Or, “You shouldn’t take that route, we’ll never get there in time.” Etc. Now, some of these statements are okay as isolated incidents, but when they begin to pile up on a single outing however, a man will see them as huge red flags. No man wants to take instructions on a date. He gets that every day on his job from his boss, or if he’s in business, from his clients or customers.)
- Preferring he does things a certain way, your way, rather than being appreciative of him doing it in the first place.
Not Feminine
- Dressing in a way that makes you seem more like a co-worker, business prospect, or someone he might want to hire to run his company or manage his department.
- Seeming cold and professional rather than warm and welcoming on a date. (This could include anything from not flirting with him, having a masculine alpha male stride, using “business lingo” during conversation, or even talking too much about work and career.)
Too Independent
- Not accepting his gentlemanly help when he offers it. (If he opens a door for you, let him do it and appreciate the heck out of it. If you really want to charm him, make a big deal of it and let him know how chivalrous and gallant he is and how you find men like him irresistibly attractive. You won’t regret this!)
- Not accepting or responding positively to his offers to protect you, provide for you, or “possess” you in some way. (While walking the sidewalk, if he asks you to walk on the left of him so that he is closer to the oncoming traffic, don’t fight him on it or make a big scene about being fully capable of walking where you want. If he offers to pay for tickets or dinner for the evening, let him do so and show your appreciation. If he suggests you try a food, beverage, or venue, be appreciative, or, if you oppose, do so graciously. If he speaks up for you or defends you, don’t reprimand him about how you’re perfectly capable of defending yourself. He’s just being protective and wants to shield you from confrontation.)
Not Nurturing
- Appearing hostile towards or completely uninterested in children or having them. (This one will be subjective, because some men aren’t interested in having children either. That being said, it’s still prudent to err on the side of caution when it comes to the subject of kids. Some guys are indifferent to having children and can easily swing one way or another. If you’re too adamant about the kids issue way too early, you might scare him off before he’s had a chance to fall in love with you and see things from your point of view.)
- Being apathetic, aloof, or harsh towards the needs of other people, children, and even animals. (Interestingly, Greenwald gave a fascinating example of a guy losing interest in a woman after she had invited him over to her apartment. Apparently, she had a puppy who, to him at least, seemed uncared for and unnoticed. Even after the poor thing wandered over, she took a while to introduce him and even did so with a dismissive tone. It probably didn’t help her case when he also noticed an empty dog bowl nearby. Sad.)
Naturally, women who unknowingly exhibit these behaviors are often confused when they learn that men view them as being very “masculine”, and thus, unattractive. The problem is that women in today’s highly competitive modern world have adopted these traits because they have been proven as valuable assets in helping them get ahead in their careers and businesses. This is the reason why the men in this study admitted that while they were impressed with these women, they didn’t feel an attraction to them, and instead they often saw them as phenomenal individuals that they’d rather hire or do business with than date.
Unfortunately, these dominant traits do not translate well when it comes to interacting with men in a romantic setting, especially during the early dating stages when a guy hasn’t gotten to know the real you yet. When a man is marriage-minded and is looking for someone he can spend his life with, he becomes a lot more discriminating throughout the dating process, especially earlier on. Guys like this don’t want to waste your time or their own, and thus are very sensitive to any behaviors that might make a woman seem like an incompatible long-term partner or a bad wife and mother.
In all fairness, no woman is competitive, controlling, etc., ALL of the time. I’m pretty sure that if these guys hung around just a little longer they might have realized that the dominant behaviors they first noticed were just a small (or large) sliver of these women’s personalities. Many of these women were also perhaps kind, warm, loving, nurturing, easygoing, appreciative, sweet, and willing to accept the leadership of the right man, but unfortunately, these men lost interest so quickly that the women in question never had a chance to reveal who they really were.
Which leads me to the main point of this lesson, which is this: If you want to keep a man interested from the very beginning, you have to pay special attention to what you’re communicating to the men you date. When looking for a long-term mate, men tend to rely on subtle and admittedly superficial cues to clue them in on who a woman really is at her core. A man simply will not wait around for several weeks to get to know a woman if he’s already lost an attraction to her due to her dominant behavior on those first few dates. Read that last sentence again.
If you have trouble keeping guys around longer than a few dates or weeks, you might want to consider appraising your own behavior when interacting with men. Figure out where you might fall on the spectrum of dominant behaviors and then train yourself to seek more gracious, feminine ways to interact with men. Remember, it’s not about changing who you are at your core just to get a guy. It’s all about putting your best foot forward so that once his defenses are lowered, he can grow to accept the real you.
When a man doesn’t know you and hasn’t already invested in you in some way, he’ll feel less inclined to overlook something he considers a flaw or potential “red flag.” When love, desire, and adoration enter the picture however, for men at least, logic gets thrown out of the window, and in the eyes of a love-smitten man…you can do no wrong. Give love a chance to grow by accepting the way men are and not how you wish they were. During the first few dates, really try to see things from a man’s point of view and adapt your behavior so that you can effortlessly reveal yourself to be the kind, warm, feminine, and when the occasion calls for it, sometimes argumentative and competitive, woman of his dreams.