Why Men Pull Away When Things Get Serious

Lesson 2

Men withdraw and lose interest for a myriad of reasons. But in a relationship, assuming he’s not interested in another woman, a man may lose interest simply because of a need to reconnect with his masculine identity.

In his best-selling book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, John Gray reasons that even in healthy relationships men sometimes withdraw emotionally in order to replenish their masculine energy. When a man needs to reconnect with his masculinity he might do things like retreat to his man-cave more often or even increase the amount of time he spends with his male companions. Gray states that guys do these things to create space in the relationship; the kind of space that renews their desire for female intimacy, thus causing them to crave the tender closeness of the woman they love once again.

Unfortunately, because most women aren’t aware of this, when men do withdraw in this way, they become anxious and frantic and begin chasing their guy instead of giving him the space he needs. Some women even become more demanding and aggressive when a guy pulls away, as their fear-of-loss makes them act possessive, manipulative, and even controlling – which can all be categorized as “chasing a man.” Chasing a man who actually needs time to reconnect with his masculine identity will only make him feel “trapped” and suffocated by your love.

If you don’t know how to maintain your poise and power when a man pulls away like this, you’ll end up driving him away indefinitely or may even cause irreparable damage to the relationship. So allow him to get his needs met and simply absorb yourself in your own life so as not to feel compelled to chase him.

Also, if you do grant him the freedom he needs, don’t be passive-aggressive about it. If he begins to pull away from you and you try to guilt-trip him in any way, it will only stir up feelings of resentment and frustration within him. Guilt-tripping is a passive-aggressive communication strategy that gives the victim the illusion of having the freedom to choose when they’re actually being manipulated.

For example, if you notice that your boyfriend has been making consistent attempts to reconnect with his guy friends, don’t say something like this:

“Fine, go if you really want to. I guess I’ll be spending Thursday night alone. Again.”

This sentence, even if said with a smile and tender voice, is clearly a passive-aggressive device a woman might use to communicate her discontent in the hopes of getting her needs met. Over time, this sort of approach can run a man ragged, as he’ll feel torn between getting his needs met and trying to make you happy. The stronger his personal boundaries are, however, the less tolerant he’ll be towards any attempts to control him, which will result in him leaving you for a woman who’s more likely to take his needs into consideration.

Remember, the man who loves you does not want to be manipulated. Thus, guilt-tripping him when he needs to do things that will replenish his masculine energy is a definite way to make him emotionally cold and indifferent towards the relationship.

Another reason guys become withdrawn and stop doing the things they used to do to attract you is because of a lack of variety or a lack of a challenge. You see, men require diversity or challenges in their life in order to stimulate their desire and propel them to action. This is why making various changes and/or upgrades to your physical appearance and lifestyle can trigger a man’s focus back onto you and make him give chase once again.

The thing is, when a man feels as if he’s completely “caught you”, the “game” of romance is lost for a woman. I’m not suggesting that a woman has to play games to keep a man interested, but if she prefers being with a man who makes an effort to woo her, she must put in the work necessary to make herself more “wooable” (new word!).

If you want to be wooed by a man without nagging or even asking him to do so, enhance the perceptions he has of your value. What this means is increasing your dating desirability and/or giving him perceived time-sensitive problems to solve, especially if he’s become very apathetic towards you. The fear of losing you or worse, having another man steal you away creates a sense of dread in a man that can force him to take action to keep your desire held fast on him. Again, this isn’t a suggestion to play games, but depending on how apathetic your man is towards you, assuming you’re not married, he might need to feel as if you could be swept away at any moment.

The harmless way to do this is to make noticeable changes to your appearance and lifestyle. Go out with your friends more and enjoy life without him. Prioritize your own personal development. Hit the gym or take up physically demanding recreation to dramatically improve your fitness, skin, etc. Spice up your wardrobe and go the extra mile to dress exceptionally well when you’re with him and even when you’re not. Master a domestic skill that men value highly in a long-term mate and use it to benefit others in some way (baking something for your co-workers is a good example).

As you can see, these are simple techniques for communicating your high-value without playing games. You’re simply creating some dissonance in a man’s mind between how he presently treats you and the kind of treatment you’re really deserving of.

Again, there are a lot more reasons why men withdraw, but these two are some of the more common ones a woman might face in a committed relationship. Truly understanding these two aspects of male courtship behavior is vitally important when it comes to keeping the right guy interested while avoiding the time-wasters.