Lesson 34
There is a lot of dating advice out there on “being mysterious”, and the definition of being mysterious varies depending on the source. I myself never really set out to define a woman’s “mysteriousness” because just about everything I’ve written about creating attraction with men is designed to increase your “mystery” in a man’s mind on some level. The dating habits I encourage women to implement will generally reinforce attraction in relationship-minded men because they are designed to perpetually pique a man’s curiosity and keep him coming back for more.
However, for your benefit, I’d like to define what “being mysterious” is and explore a few ways you can be more mysterious to a man in order to fuel his imagination and thus, his desire for you.
A very common definition of mystery focuses on “feminine allure”, which is basically the beliefs and behaviors that make a woman appear unapologetically feminine and thus, as different from a man as she can possibly be. Because “different”, between the sexes, is good for making babies, that which makes you different from men makes you exotic, unfamiliar, and thus, mysterious. This aspect of being mysterious is important because being female is largely foreign to the male experience and thus, creates a lot of unknown to a man, which is essential for creating attraction.
When a man interacts with the feminine, he steps into the unknown, and assuming he already finds a woman physically attractive, it’s this “unknown” in her presentation and personality that will continue to stoke his imagination and thus, his romantic desire to be as close to her as he possibly can.
This is why the best personal development a woman can do to attract and keep her most ideal partner is to focus on maximizing her femininity, which will manifest differently depending on the woman. The same applies to men as well. As my experiences and those of my friends and male readers have largely confirmed that their results with women, whether it be their wives or a gorgeous girl at the bar, are directly linked to the depth and maturity of their own masculinity, or lack thereof.
Now there is also another aspect of “being mysterious” that isn’t just about femininity, but it doesn’t necessarily exclude it. In another sense, your “mystery” entails anything that fuels a man’s curiosity and causes him to marvel and fantasize about you, both in your presence and in your absence. Anything that causes him to “fill in the gaps” in his own mind about you, in a positive and desire-fueling way, is a product of your mystery. Anything that causes him to wonder about you in an adoring way, is partly a product of your mystery. Anything that causes him to fantasize about where you might be at any given moment, and what makes you so special from other women, is a product of your mystery. Anything that leaves him positively perplexed, curious, or smitten with adoration, again is partly a product of your mystery.
I’ll agree that this definition, while understandable, is still a bit esoteric and mysterious in and of itself. No worries. Below I’m going to list a few practical ways in which you can be more mysterious and thus, more attractive to the men you come across. Keep in mind that you don’t have to be dating a man to be mysterious to him, and you can even use these ideas if you’re already in a committed relationship:
Be enthusiastic but discreet in what you reveal – A simple key to being mysterious is showing discretion, especially on dates. During conversation, it’s all about leaving out the things he doesn’t need to know yet (or at all), and keeping him interested by saying a little less than you need to (and at times, want to). When it comes to revealing information about yourself while on a date, a little less is sometimes best. Now, just to be clear, I don’t mean you should give him vague or aloof answers to the questions he asks. This will turn off most guys. What I mean is to be judicious regarding what and how much you share about yourself. Once you are enthusiastic, honest, and emotive with your responses, he will appreciate whatever you share with him. For example, if he asks you a really personal question that you’d rather not answer yet, simply say something like: “I’d love to tell you about it sometime. But maybe when we’ve gotten to know each other a little better. I hope you don’t mind.”
Another great way to increase a man’s attraction to you without revealing personal information you’re not ready or comfortable revealing, is to be a little coy AND flirtatious with your answer. For example, if he asks why are you single, instead of getting upset at the question or getting so flustered that you overshare the number of times you’ve been dumped (Yeesh!), simply say something like: “I don’t often meet the type of guys I really want to go out with.” Naturally, this response will immediately make him feel special as he’ll begin to wonder what makes him so different from other men. Another great response: “Because I don’t get to meet men like you as often as I’d like.” Boom. That’s a man-melting response right there. You’re welcome.
Ask him more questions than he asks you while on a date – If you want to have a guy begging to see you again after a date, get him to talk about himself as much as you can, and be an outstanding listener. Doing so will make you appear more “mysterious”, mainly because of how little he’ll know about you after the date compared to what you now know about him. Don’t just ask him questions and zone out, actually listen to him intently and make it clear that you’re not only paying attention, but that you enjoy listening to him (smile, nod, acknowledge what he’s saying, and maintain a lot of eye contact). This might sound strange at first, but this is a pretty easy way to create an air of mystery, especially in the beginning. Allowing a man to really open up and talk about himself during the date will cause him to walk away feeling a strong emotional connection with a woman he barely knows. This imbalance will drive him nuts, in a good way, and assuming the date went well overall, he’ll want to close this gap of familiarity by securing more and more dates with you. Of course, being a great listener in general, will make you a very likeable person in all your relationships. Being a great listener with your dates, however, will make you exceptionally attractive to a man, especially in the beginning stages of a blossoming romance.
Let him dominate the initiation of contact – A simple way to create and maintain your mystery and thus, your attractiveness to a guy is to let him dominate the initiation of contact. If you allow yourself to dominate the initiation of contact, you run the risk of ruining that aura of mystery that surrounds you that he’s currently building up in his mind. If you consistently chase him with texts and phone calls, your mystery will vanish and he will realize that you’re not that different from the other women he’s encountered before. Always let your Prince Charming do most of the heavy lifting when it comes to keeping in contact, especially in the beginning. This is one of the easiest and surest ways to avoid ending up with a man who might ultimately waste your time.
Let him see you excel from a distance – Watching a woman at play or in pleasure, where she is blossoming in her element, makes her seem elusive, and thus mysterious. Naturally, you will find yourself in situations in which the man you desire (or who desires you) will bear witness to your joy and vivacity, or put another way, your feminine cheerfulness. When a man sees you cheerful in your element, whether it be private or social, it creates an air of mystery about you that cultivates his desire and makes him want you all to himself. For example, you might be a professional dancer, and for your guy, watching your confidence and passion as you practice or perform will place a bright smile on his face as he thinks to himself, “She’s so amazing! Look at how beautiful she is!” You may simply be really good at facilitating connections with people, and he can’t help but beam internally when he watches how confidently you “work a room” using your natural charm in order to introduce people and help them feel comfortable, connected, and noticed. You might be phenomenal at a particular craft or hobby, something that absorbs you totally and makes you happy. Something that, again, showcases your feminine confidence and creativity. Even moments like this add an air of mystery to a woman because he gets to see you doing something that makes you happy, even if it doesn’t include him. Think of it like this, any activity that “turns you on” emotionally and makes you feel confident, radiant, gifted, and cheerful will heighten his adoration for you. Simply let him witness you taking care of your own happiness.
Temper your display of emotions until you know for sure that you harbor a place of importance in his mind – If a woman desires to keep a man interested in more than just a handful of dates, it is vitally important for her to avoid going overboard in displaying just how much she might want to be with a particular guy before he has earned it. Trust me on this, while men do require a growing display of your romantic interest over time, if you find yourself overwhelmed with deep emotions of love and yearning, it’s best to reserve displaying your unbridled infatuation until after you have already secured a place of importance in his mind. Men want to feel as if they’ve earned the deepest displays of your affection, so give us (and yourself) time to determine your value to us. Your restraint will add to your sense of mystery and allure. But once a man has displayed a consistent level of interest in you (meaning he regularly asks you out on dates, calls and texts you often, introduces you to his social circle, shares more of his heart with you, etc.) feel free to display to him the depths of your infatuation.
Be judicious about what you reveal on your social media or online dating profiles – You won’t believe how much information some women reveal about themselves that might be costing them dates with great, relationship-minded men. It is easy for a guy (or anyone for that matter) to make unfair judgments about you because of the information you might be over-sharing on your social media and online profiles. Of course, you actually want to have some slightly intimate information in there so you can weed out certain types of men, but as with anything in life, try not to overdo it. The less you share on these platforms the more he’ll want to know when he’s finally alone with you. Give him the opportunity to slowly unravel the mystery that is you, and at a pace that you are both comfortable with.
Illustrate your cheerful independence and selective desire – I discussed this concept at length in an earlier lesson where I explain how being cheerfully independent of a guy while flirtatiously expressing your interest in him all at once is a great way to ramp up the sexual tension (attraction) in the blossoming relationship. In these situations, all you’re doing is communicating to your Prince Charming that while you have a life that you enjoy, it would be even more deliciously exciting if he were a part of it in some way. It’s a great way to create some of that mysterious allure that guys love, so go back and check out that lesson if you need a refresher.
Now, I want to end this lesson by clarifying that being mysterious doesn’t mean that you can’t be vulnerable with a guy. Being emotionally vulnerable is important for cultivating emotional intimacy with a man…very important. And being mysterious won’t stop or hinder you from doing so. For instance, on one of your first few dates, you can share the fact that you’re a bit anxious about your new job (vulnerable), without telling him that you were fired from your last two jobs (overshare). You can reveal to him that you really want to see him again (vulnerable), without revealing that you cyber-stalked him for a few days after your first date (why???). As you get to know him, it’s okay to share glimpses of your heart with him and reveal how much you love your children (vulnerable), without immediately informing him of your timeline for re-marriage and more children (too soon). So, yes, it is possible to be emotionally vulnerable and forthright, yet maintain an air of mystery with the man you’re dating.
Remember, along with the time you spend with him, a man’s desire will also grow in your absence through his own imagination. Everything he knows and doesn’t yet know about you will fuel his imagination and make him think of creative ways to get closer and more intimate with you. So don’t be hesitant in incorporating some of the ideas I’ve presented here in order to make yourself more mysterious and captivating with the men you want most.