Lesson 37
For a man, feeling unneeded by a woman (because she refuses or doesn’t require our help or attention) is synonymous to feeling useless. It doesn’t matter if you can do it by yourself, or in some cases, do something better than him. A high level of self-sufficiency may land you promotions, clients, or customers in your vocation, but in your romantic relationships, it will only chase men away. When your guy offers you his assistance and wants to relieve you of a burden, give him the opportunity to do so by receiving him well. When you refuse his help, he will feel rejected as a MAN. To make matters worse, if you habitually do this to the man in your life, eventually he will stop offering his help altogether and might go looking for a woman who allows him to meet her needs, thus meeting his own.
I get it. You don’t want to be seen as “helpless”, “needy”, or “inconsiderate” in the eyes of men. You might have even developed the habit of discouraging men from helping or giving to you, perhaps in an effort to avoid feeling indebted to them in some way. Whatever the reason, trying as hard as possible to be self-sufficient will make men overlook you in favor of more receptive women. Don’t fall into the trap of telling men things like, “It’s okay, I can do it”, or, “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine, really!”, or, “That’s alright, I can do it by myself”, or, “I can’t right now, I’m busy!”, or even, “You really didn’t have to…” Don’t do this to yourself, and don’t do this to him. In the long-run, it won’t end well, and you’ll end up regretting not being more upfront with him about your needs from the beginning.
Keep in mind that to a man, a woman being “receptive” is more about her showing him that she loves and desires his love and desire. It’s also another way in which a woman demonstrates to a man that she is a “safe harbor” for him, a place where he feels wanted and readily received. Therefore, even if you don’t need his help, cannot utilize his gifts or support, or you can’t receive his attention or affection at that moment, you can still show your guy that you truly appreciate and want (at some later point) what he has to offer you. Your feminine receptivity will make a man feel more masculine in your presence. This will make him like himself even more when he’s with you, which is exactly the kind of feeling you want to inspire in a man’s heart.
From our biological makeups to our last names, men are naturally designed and even culturally hard-wired to give to women in order to fulfill our masculine roles as protectors, providers, and procreators. Hence, when a woman receives what we have to offer with enthusiasm, appreciation, and with high regard for our sacrifice, it makes us want to give more to her in every possible way. In other words, it’s in our nature to give to women. So don’t train a guy not to give to you by consistently rejecting him or showing indifference to his efforts.
You also don’t have to worry about coming off as being “high-maintenance” to the men you date either. You’re only high-maintenance if nothing a man does is ever good enough to satisfy you and make you happy. This is usually what men mean when they say a woman is “high-maintenance”, as it has nothing to do with her being receptive and in-need of a man. The only men who don’t like women that need anything from them are men who only want one thing from women. Read that last sentence again.
A relationship-minded man wants to know that you are capable of receiving what he has to offer you. If you continually reject his gifts, his time, his touch, his strength, his compliments, his skills, and his advice, he will feel pointless in your presence and thus, useless to you. Since one of the three pillars of manhood is to provide (the other two being ‘to protect’ and ‘to procreate’), his manhood will feel threatened if he cannot provide for a woman in the ways he knows best.
So whether you’ve just begun dating him or you’re in a relationship, you must be open to your guy’s desire to give to you, in all its various forms. Otherwise he will begin to feel emotionally disconnected from you, which will then result in him losing interest in you or pulling away from the relationship; maybe for good.
Unfortunately, many women are unknowingly, poor receivers. Their self-directed and strong-willed personalities make them a marvel to watch as they excel at getting things done and overcoming the challenges of life. The unfortunate flip side here is that women like this often struggle with “letting go” of control (something I touched on in an earlier lesson) so that the men in their lives can take over to lighten their loads. They are accustomed to being in control and maybe even find it necessary after being burned in the past by men who were poor givers. Unfortunately, this inability to sometimes “let go” makes it especially difficult for them to receive from men, as they subconsciously hold the belief that no one can offer them the security they need better than themselves, not even a man.
I should mention that being receptive to a man’s attention and assistance is more than just letting him help you. It helps when you make some sort of display of your receptivity. While in some cases, just staying out of his way when he wants to do something for you can be enough, if you really want to ramp up the attraction he feels for you, it’s best to use your feminine charms to make a subtle yet irresistible display of your receptivity. What you want to be is bright-eyed, enthusiastic, and most importantly, delighted to receive whenever a man gives to you. Here are a few examples of what this might look like while spending time with your guy:
- If you are on a date with your new beau and he goes to open a door for you, take a step back or wait patiently in position as he opens it for you. Don’t move to help him open the door for you, let him do it by himself. Let him have his way, as opening that door for you will make him feel needed, and thus happy, in your presence. Give him your warm thanks along with a mild compliment like, “Such a gentleman!” as you walk past him.
- If he reaches out for your hand to help you out of a vehicle or as you ascend a step, receive him well by offering your hand to him and giving him your thanks. As you do so, maintain a bit of eye contact as you flash that smile he deeply adores. Sometimes the only reward a gentleman ever requires is a flattering smile and that loving look in a woman’s eyes.
- If you’re in a theater, attending a play, or at some other venue where you’re seated next to each other, if he offers you his jacket due to it being particularly chilly, accept it graciously and allow him to drape it over your shoulders. After he does so, lean towards him and snuggle yourself into him a little. At that point he’ll probably place an arm around you all while fighting back a boyish grin. At that moment, he will feel like the biggest boss in town.
- If a gentleman compliments you, resist the temptation to downplay his compliment by not believing what he says or showing indifference (because of your own insecurities). For example, if he compliments your dress and how pretty (or breathtaking) it looks on you, don’t say things like, “Oh, this old thing? I think it kind of makes me look _______.” Don’t do this. It’s always better to give the impression that you are accustomed to positive treatment from men, and being receptive to a gentleman’s compliments is one of the simplest ways to create that impression. So what is a better response? Just smile and say, “Thank you so much! I think you just made my day!” Believe me, that response is enough to actually make his day.
- If he brings you a surprise meal or dessert, especially one that he just made, if you’ve just eaten, that shouldn’t be the first thing you say to him. Don’t say, “Wow you’re so sweet! I just ate though. Thanks anyway!” Not a super terrible response, but not a good or very receptive one either. Instead, you should respond with deep appreciation and enthusiasm, saying something like, “Wow! Thank you so much. You are so thoughtful. I can’t wait to dig into this a little later when I get hungry again!” Much better.
- Another example, if he offers and insists on paying for the date, thank him for taking care of the bill and then compliment him on his generosity and refinement as a gentleman. If he’s already made it clear that the bill will be taken care of, don’t worry about having to do the ‘courtesy reach’ for the bill. Thank him graciously, compliment his character (such as saying, “I really appreciate your generosity tonight. Thank you!”), and just let him pay. Remember, let him have his way.
- If he brings you a thoughtful gift, again, graciously thank him for it and compliment his thoughtfulness and generosity. If the gift was particularly special, make a show of it and tell him exactly how his act of thoughtfulness made you feel at that moment, all while gazing lovingly in his eyes and brandishing your entrancing smile.
- If he wants to kiss you, embrace you intimately, or spend time with you in anyway but you’re really busy or not in the mood for his company or affectionate shenanigans, don’t push him away and say, “Not right now, I’m busy,”, or, “Not right now, I don’t feel _______.” Yes, these are honest responses, but they don’t communicate your interest, love, and desire. For example, instead of pushing him away and saying something about not being in the mood or being too busy, simply say something like, “I love it when you’re so affectionate, but I can’t right now. Maybe come find me later after I’ve finished _______.” Another response, “While I love having your big strong arms around me, I really need to _______ first before I can play. Give me a few minutes to _______ and then I’m all yours!” Or how about saying this with a girlish grin on your face, “You’re such a tease! You know I’m in the middle of something. Let’s hang out once I’m done _______. Okay, handsome?” Important Note: Responses like these require more thought and effort, but it’s this kind of communication that separates good relationships from passionate relationships. The thing is, men really don’t mind having their attention and affections rebuffed so long as it’s not done in a way that communicates disgust or complete disinterest. Pay attention to your body language and the words you use to turn your guy away when you’re busy or not in an intimate mood. The way you habitually respond to his attention and affection (or not respond or at all) will play a strong role in the way he will habitually treats you in the future. Don’t train him to ignore you. Remember, even if you can’t receive him at that moment, you can still be “receptive” by showing him that you love and desire his love and desire.
I know that to some of you, this may all sound pretty cheesy and perhaps even super corny. Before you dismiss it though, I challenge you to try it out on the men in your life. Women are often surprised at just how much MORE fun and joy they start to experience in their lives by relaxing into their femininity and being more receptive with the men around them. Becoming a more receptive woman will make you feel more attractive to men, because you will be. Guys you don’t know will start going out of their way to help you. Men who never noticed you before will begin flirting with you. And the men you date will find themselves more emotionally drawn to you and far more eager to please you. Believe me, the more masculine a man is, the more he will EAT THIS STUFF UP! It will surprise you, and leave you with a new set of problems as guys won’t be able to leave you alone.
You’re welcome.
So as you can see, as your ability to receive from men becomes better, so will the treatment you receive from them. It will become a continuous cycle of positive experiences for you, because as you allow men to treat you well, you will become more accustomed to it. As it becomes a natural part of who you are, you will continue to attract men into your life who are more than willing to go out of their way to make you feel comfortable, beloved, desirable, and cherished. Get out of their way and be genuinely receptive as you let them do what their soul yearns to do, which is to please a good woman. And even if you cannot receive what he has to offer you at that moment, do your best to be receptive of his effort and attention.
Lastly, I should also mention that it’s important for you to be honest with yourself and with the guy you’re dating. If you find yourself consistently unimpressed or simply unmoved by a man’s ‘gifts’, whether they be tangible or intangible, perhaps then, he is simply not the guy for you and you should no longer waste his time or yours. Granted, while this may be the case, you might also want to consider whether or not you have a sense of entitlement, where you feel that only ‘gifts’ and ‘sacrifices’ of a certain cost, quality, or consistency are worthy of you. Whatever the issue is, do not waste a man’s time and efforts, and resist the urge to take him for granted, especially if he doesn’t know any better. Follow the golden rule (do unto others…), even with the men you come across, as there is simply no better way to ensure that your future experiences are the fruit of your past choices.