Lesson 35
Men reveal their true selves in the midst of female vulnerability. When a woman opens herself up, even a little, to the man she loves or wants, she then creates an inescapable situation in which the man in question has to reveal himself. What this basically means is that in those moments of vulnerability, your guy will have to respond to you in some defining way. And the way in which he responds to you will paint a much clearer picture of who he really is, how he really feels about you, and perhaps most importantly, how he really treats the people in his life.
When a woman displays her vulnerability, depending on the context, a good man will either provide her with emotional security, solidarity, or support. Even if he cannot relate to the emotions you’ve shared with him, he will cherish the moment and try to make you feel safe and understood. If he does relate to your sentiments, he might even go so far as to make you feel a sense of solidarity by being vulnerable with you as well, thus strengthening the emotional bond you both share (this is one of the keys to cultivating emotional intimacy with a man and getting him to fall deeper in love with you, by the way).
Your willingness to be vulnerable will quietly communicate to him that you feel safe around him, which will make him feel more masculine in your presence and thus, more emotionally attracted to being with you. Your feelings of safeness in his presence is like a green light which tells him that you are also “safe” to be with, which will make him see you as his very own “safe harbor”, that special woman with whom he can be and share himself with completely. If you readily accept him (as opposed to offering advice or being critical) when he shares his own vulnerable intimacies with you, he will grow increasingly fond of spending time with you and more determined to keep you in his life. Read that last paragraph again.
Trust me on this, men want to experience and share in the variety of your emotions over time. We crave it on a primal level, as it gives us an opportunity to love you more deeply. And if we already love being with you, it will only make us want you more. Remember, a good man will not punish you for being vulnerable with him. Instead, he will reward you with more of his love and adoration.
An incompatible or not-so-great guy on the other hand, might leave you feeling hollow after being vulnerable with him. If you try this several times and you keep getting the same results, then this might be a sure sign that there is something missing between you and your alleged Mr. Right. Keep in mind that a man’s inability to respond favorably to your moment of vulnerability doesn’t necessarily make him a “bad guy”. It could simply mean that he’s a “bad match” for you. Yes, there are men out there who unknowingly punish female tenderness and vulnerability because of their own issues and ignorance, but assuming you don’t have a habit of dating narcissistic, low-value, or predatory men, these guys won’t count for the majority of your dating experience.
I only mention this so that you don’t judge a man too harshly if he comes off as being awkward, uninformed, or emotionally inept whenever you try to open up to him or show a little of your softer side. Some guys weren’t trained by their fathers (or father figure) on how to respond to a woman’s emotional vulnerability and tenderness. But to be clear, while you don’t want to judge these guys too harshly, I’m not advocating that you should ignore their inadequacy in this area either. If being emotionally vulnerable with a particular guy consistently leaves you feeling hollow, disrespected, unloved, scorned, or misunderstood, chances are he’s simply not a good match for you.
Now, I fully understand that if you’ve been abused or hurt pretty badly by men from your past, being emotionally vulnerable is probably a bit more difficult for you. In cases like this, you must adopt a strong sense of self-awareness because the issue might not be with the men you’re currently dating, but with yourself. If you’ve been abused or hurt in the past (and who hasn’t in some way), you might be a lot more sensitive to how men treat you, especially when you’re being emotionally vulnerable. You might struggle to open up with men earlier on, which actually makes it a lot more difficult for you to discern if he’s emotionally compatible with you or not.
The challenge for a woman in this situation is to do whatever it takes to push past the hurt, and put herself out there regardless. Granted, this is easier said than done, but the benefits far outweigh the cost. Being emotionally vulnerable with a man is one of the best ways to see him for who and what he really is, especially earlier on in a relationship. If you neglect to be vulnerable with him early on, you won’t know if he’s truly compatible with you or even capable of fulfilling your emotional needs until much later in the relationship. Naturally, this is a risky way to go about dating a guy since you might end up investing so much in the relationship that walking away at a later point would seem unthinkable.
Believe me, I know this might not be an easy thing to do, especially if you’re terrified of being hurt, misunderstood, or rejected. I understand that most women are probably terrified of being emotionally abused or manipulated by a guy after being vulnerable with him. The thing is, it takes courage to be vulnerable, and a good man will adore and appreciate this courage. And if you’re afraid that being vulnerable is akin to being a doormat, don’t be. The truth is, you can allow yourself to be vulnerable with men (or anyone for that matter) without becoming a doormat. No man can make you into a doormat unless you allow him to. And no woman will be seen as being a doormat to the man who truly adores her. This is why it’s so important to rigorously (and tactfully) vet the men you date as early as possible in the dating process.
The fact of the matter is, your discerning display of vulnerability (something I discussed in this previous lesson) is one of the best tools in your feminine arsenal for both capturing a man’s heart and revealing what’s really inside it. Be observant of the way he handles your display of emotion. For example, how does he respond when you show jealousy, anger, or some other chaotic emotion? How does he react when something makes you cry? Does he soften when you own up to a mistake and apologize sincerely? Does he enjoy and share in your silliness? Does he accept you when you reveal something unpleasant from your past that only a handful of people know? Does he show any emotion when you tell him how he makes you feel or that you miss him? What does he say when you share a secret with him? What does he do when you ask for his help because you need his strength or knowledge?
Remember, a good man will reward your feminine vulnerability with his attention, adoration, protectiveness, and love. And the right man will not only reward your courage, but he will also empathize with you and share a little (or a lot depending on the guy) of himself with you as well. So although guys who aren’t a good match might leave a woman feeling hollow or misunderstood, only clueless and predatory men tend to punish or capitalize on a woman’s emotional vulnerabilities. These aren’t the men you want to cultivate a lifelong relationship with anyway, so it’s better to find out which group your guy falls into early on.