Lesson 29
Dating at any age is difficult, but those of you over the age of forty-five, etc., know that dating can sometimes be even more difficult at times. This series will focus mainly on women within this demographic, as I’ve received many emails from women who wanted some insight on how finding a mate changes for women at these various ages and how they can best navigate the dating marketplace.
Basically, dating over forty-five can be difficult if you approach it in the same way a woman in her twenties or even thirties might. The key to finding love and getting the most out of your experiences with men is to adapt your dating strategy to the way men actually are as opposed to how you wish men were at this age.
During my research, I stumbled across an excellent article written by Duana Welch, social researcher and author of the book, Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do, on this exact subject. Not surprisingly, her article summarizes some of the most effective dating ideas expressed in her book. What I also loved about the article is that it basically confirms and summarizes most of what I’ve also found to be the best dating advice for women in this demographic who are hoping to find love.
While these series of lessons focus on some of her ideas, I’ve expanded much upon them based on the sum of research I’ve collected on this very subject (as well as the insights I bring to it as a man obviously). I’ve linked to the article at the end of this lesson, so feel free to check it out after perusing through the ideas shared here.
For simplicity sake, I’ve presented each lesson in this series as a kind of “Q & A” based on some of the most common struggles women in this demographic ask concerning men and dating. Lastly, once the series is complete, you’ll easily be able to access each of the lessons below. (Note: Most of you should have already received the first lesson in this series.)
- Lesson 1: I rarely meet any men I’m interested in.
- Lesson 2: Men disappear after a few dates or even after a few short months of dating.
- Lesson 3: Men in my age bracket seem to only date younger (much younger) women.
- Lesson 4: I rarely meet any single and attractive men my own age.
- Lesson 5: I feel like giving up on dating entirely.
It is my sincere hope that you find these lessons useful, no matter your age or where you presently are along your dating journey. So without further ado, let’s dive in to today’s lesson, shall we?
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Problem: Men disappear after a few dates or even after a few short months of dating.
If this happens to you often, you might be attracting and entertaining low-investment men who only want (and perhaps attain) sex from you. Or assuming there isn’t anything necessarily wrong with the men in question, there might be something about your behavior that scares men away. Since we’re focusing on women who are aged forty-five and over, my deduction is that all of this probably has something to do with how women in this age group unknowingly present themselves to the men they date.
As I explained in the previous lesson, many women over forty-five, due to their cumulative life experiences and education, have adopted very masculine and self-interested attitudes that have helped them to get ahead in their careers and businesses. Unfortunately, because highly masculine men generally prefer dating highly feminine women, these masculine interpersonal behaviors tend to turn men off, especially in the earlier dating stages.
In the beginning stages, men tend to be very judicious about a woman’s behavior. Men are very sensitive to things like bossiness, high-maintenance, self-entitlement (gold-digging), and self-absorption (overly career-oriented, lifestyle obsessed, or accomplishment focused), and tend to dismiss women after these behaviors reveal themselves on a first date or within those first few weeks of dating. The fact is, what men really want to experience when they’re with a woman is her kindness, compassion, tenderness, nurturing, patience, dignity, and fidelity. These are the characteristics that make men fall in love with a woman during every encounter with her; the very same feminine qualities that quickly captures a man’s heart.
Solution #1: Present yourself in a more feminine light and let men pursue you.
Figure out where you fall on the sliding scale of masculine vs. feminine behaviors, at least when interacting with men, and then make a concentrated effort to inject a bit more feminine grace in your behavior and communication. If you’ve read any of my books (specifically this one), I don’t think I have to explain the obvious reasons why masculine men are helplessly attracted to unapologetically feminine women. Instead of lamenting that men should “man up” and be able to handle you regardless of how you present yourself, put the odds in your favor by accepting men as they presently are and adjust the way you interact with them.
Believe me, this is much simpler than it sounds.
Think of it this way. Most of the things you find attractive about a guy, his intelligence, his ambition, his sense of humor, his success and accomplishments, etc., aren’t necessarily the things he’s most attracted to in you. Not at the outset at least. Instead, men at this age (or any age, in fact) are more concerned about your “feminine energy”, or simply, your enthusiasm, your cheerfulness, your gentleness, your relationship with your family, your passions, your modesty and willingness to let him provide for and protect you in small ways, your ability to empathize with others, your level of politeness, kindness, and thoughtfulness towards others, etc., which are all things they pick up in your body language as well as the way you speak and how you interact with them and other people. In other words, men want to feel a romantic connection to you, and don’t care so much about making an intellectual connection at the beginning. Read that last sentence again.
The interesting thing is that you don’t have to be “more” feminine to attract men per se. You just need to know how to tap into your natural level of femininity when you’re interacting with them. How you interact with men on the job or in your business won’t get you the romance you want. You have to learn how to “let your hair down” around the guys you’re interested in if you want them to see you as a romantic prospect as opposed to “just a friend.”
[Important Note: Interestingly, it seems as if some women who struggle to “act more feminine” with the men they’re romantically interested in sometimes have better results by changing their taste in men rather than their behavior. Highly successful, intelligent, and accomplished women are naturally attracted to higher status men who are also very successful, intelligent, and accomplished as well. Naturally, if these men are considered “alphas” on any level, they will be more attracted to women who won’t compete with them for the “alpha” position in the relationship. In my research, I’ve noticed that some highly successful, intelligent, and accomplished women have fixed this issue by simply dating men who aren’t as assertive and dominant as themselves. These men bring a different dynamic to the relationship in that they’re often more naturally thoughtful, loving, considerate, empathic, etc., than the women they’re with. This allows these “alpha” women to maintain their masculine energies in the relationship, which means everyone ends up happy. This could possibly be an avenue to explore if you constantly struggle with trying to attract and maintain the romantic interest of “alpha” types of men.]
Also, if you’ve been very career-focused or blissfully single for a long time, you might have built a wall of “competing interests” around yourself in which the guys you date are forced to work twice as hard just to spend some time with you. While a highly interested guy wouldn’t mind putting in the work to win your heart, he probably doesn’t want to overextend himself doing so. Ultimately, men (especially older men) don’t want to have to compete with your career, friends, travel plans, social causes, etc., as they’d rather be with a woman who recognizes their value just as much as they recognize hers. The feminine approach, therefore, is to be receptive, responsive, interested, and appreciative, while allowing him the gift of pursuing you.
Another way your behavior might come off as masculine or overly self-interested is through how aggressive you are about “moving things forward” or getting your way with a guy. In terms of your desire to move things forward as quickly as possible, remember, in romantic relationships, men like to feel like the pursuers. The moment a guy realizes you’re chasing him or that you’re hell-bent on securing a commitment, he’ll begin to lose interest. Instead of being aggressive in your pursuit, relax into your femininity and mirror his investment. Let him do most of the initiating of contact, especially in the beginning, and allow him to make plans and set the course of the relationship. Yes, you can do little things here and there to encourage him to want to see you (many of them I’ve discussed at length in these lessons and in my books), but that’s not what we’re talking about in this lesson.
Whenever he takes a step toward you in earnest, mirror his investment by showing your appreciation, illustrating your interest in him, and being open and receptive to his acts of love and kindness. Flirt with him when he’s not around via texting (if he’s so inclined to receive texts), hint that you enjoy his company and would be open to seeing more of him (on real dates, of course), and give him the space he needs to miss you. In short, lean back and let him pursue you, as a man is more likely to fall in love with a woman who demonstrates that while she deeply desires him, she has no interest in controlling him. Read that last sentence again.
In regards to getting your way, this might be challenging for you if you’re quite accustomed to getting your way in other areas of your life. You see, the benefit of dating an older man is that he’s had the time to grow in life experience and maturity. The downside of dating an older man is that the more life experience and maturity he has, the more set in his ways he might be. At this stage in a man’s life, he’ll have well-developed habits and pastimes, friends with whom he’s accustomed to spending time with, a career that calls for a lot of responsibility (and thus, attention), and most importantly, family that he’s fond of spending time with or responsible for taking care of, such as children or an aging parent. Naturally, you’ll have some, if not all of these things in your life as well. The conflict, however, occurs when the two lives meet and everyday responsibilities start to compete with your blossoming relationship.
In these situations, you have to be extremely understanding of his position in life (and ensure that he is of yours as well). Refrain from guilt-tripping him if you find that he struggles to divide his time between you and his responsibilities. Be sure you pick your battles carefully in these instances, because in the early dating stages, men are very sensitive towards having to change some vital aspect of their lives just to make a woman happy. Understanding, empathy, compassion, and honest, gracious communication are key in these situations.
For example, if a man has a grown son who is visiting him for the weekend, one who lives across the country and he hasn’t seen in a year or so, don’t lose your poise or become frantic if he has to change plans on you to spend some time with his son. Try to be a little flexible and avoid using passive-aggression to make him feel worse than he probably already does. Believe me, if your gentleman caller is really hooked on you and wants to make you happy, he’ll feel terrible for having to change plans on you like this. In these situations, the woman who wins is the compassionate, understanding one. Giving him the guilt-free space and freedom he needs to do what he wants to do will make him feel as if you “get him”, which will melt his heart and make him even more determined to keep you in his life.
Solution #2: Delay sex until you secure the commitment you want.
Through tons of research and observation of social behavior, I strongly believe that women can avoid perhaps ninety-percent or more of the dating issues they face with men simply by reserving sex for marriage. I get that this isn’t a popular stance in today’s society, and I’ve covered this issue in a previous lesson as well, so I’m not going to go into too much detail here. But I will discuss what some men think about women in this demographic in regards to sex.
One thing you have to consider is the assumptions some men will subconsciously have regarding your sexual availability due to your age. Every woman, no matter her age, has to deal with scallywags and opportunistic men, but when dating at age forty-five and more, you have to be aware of how some men within your age bracket and younger men might view you. Many opportunistic men will assume that because of your age, you have more experience with men and thus, have less hang-ups about sex.
If you’re particularly attractive, you undoubtedly know exactly what I’m talking about, as you’ve probably already been blindsided by men your age (or younger) who appeared genuinely interested at first only to lose interest the moment you expressed your desire to wait before offering them sex. Opportunistic older men might date women their own age in hopes of securing easy sex, all the while keeping their options open in the event a younger woman comes along. Unsurprisingly, this is also the case for significantly younger men who might take an interest in you.
Depending on her age in regards to his own, dating an older woman is an attractive pursuit for a younger man, as he instinctively assumes that he is the prize and thus, sex and perhaps even material benefits will be readily available to him. Of course, while not all younger men who date older women want sex and sex alone, we’re focusing on the dating pattern of men in-general. While there are always exceptions to the norm when it comes to dating and mate selection, I encourage women to focus on how men generally behave, rather than a few statistical outliers.
Solution #3: Don’t date married men, men already in committed relationships, or men significantly younger than yourself.
Dating men in any of these categories will prove disastrous. Never choose a relationship over your own well-being. Maintain your dignity and say “NO” to extremely younger men who take an interest in you (most only want sex, see Solution #2), and say double “NO” to men who are already committed. While it might seem romantic and lava hot sexy to date a man ten or more years younger than yourself, if a lifetime of love and marriage is your goal, it might ultimately be a waste of time.
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I hope you enjoyed today’s lesson and were able to take something useful away from it. In the next lesson in this short series, we’ll shed some light on the issue of older men dating younger women rather than those within their own age bracket. In that lesson, I’ll present you with two very effective workarounds to this issue. These workarounds, if tested and applied, can help put you on the radar of those older, relationship-minded men who’d prefer spending their lives with someone a little closer to their own age.
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