Lesson 32
Dating at any age is difficult, but those of you over the age of forty-five, etc., know that dating can sometimes be even more difficult at times. This series will focus mainly on women within this demographic, as I’ve received many emails from women who wanted some insight on how finding a mate changes for women at these various ages and how they can best navigate the dating marketplace.
Basically, dating over forty-five can be difficult if you approach it in the same way a woman in her twenties or even thirties might. The key to finding love and getting the most out of your experiences with men is to adapt your dating strategy to the way men actually are as opposed to how you wish men were at this age.
During my research, I stumbled across an excellent article written by Duana Welch, social researcher and author of the book, Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do, on this exact subject. Not surprisingly, her article summarizes some of the most effective dating ideas expressed in her book. What I also loved about the article is that it basically confirms and summarizes most of what I’ve also found to be the best dating advice for women in this demographic who are hoping to find love.
While these series of lessons focus on some of her ideas, I’ve expanded much upon them based on the sum of research I’ve collected on this very subject (as well as the insights I bring to it as a man obviously). I’ve linked to the article at the end of this lesson, so feel free to check it out after perusing through the ideas shared here.
For simplicity sake, I’ve presented each lesson in this series as a kind of “Q & A” based on some of the most common struggles women in this demographic ask concerning men and dating. Lastly, once the series is complete, you’ll easily be able to access each of the lessons below.
- Lesson 1: I rarely meet any men I’m interested in.
- Lesson 2: Men disappear after a few dates or even after a few short months of dating.
- Lesson 3: Men in my age bracket seem to only date younger (much younger) women.
- Lesson 4: I rarely meet any single and attractive men my own age.
- Lesson 5: I feel like giving up on dating entirely.
It is my sincere hope that you find these lessons useful, no matter your age or where you presently are along your dating journey. So without further ado, let’s dive in to today’s lesson, shall we?
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Problem: I feel like giving up on dating entirely.
The fear of dating can be a major hindrance to finding the love and commitment you really want. This fear usually results from a lack of confidence in one or more areas regarding love, romance, and relationships. Many women struggle to overcome this fear as they continuously feel as though they’ll never be “enough” for a man in some way. And while these insecurities manifest themselves in a variety of unique ways, their affect on a woman’s behavior is always the same: They steal power away from her attitude and thus, limit her capacity to take bold, consistent action.
The thing is, your biggest hindrance to getting the success you want with men will be your attitude. This is true if you’re in your twenties, thirties, forties, or older. A negative, self-defeating attitude can destroy your chances at finding love, no matter if you’re young, older, beautiful, or stunning.
As cliché as it sounds, success in every endeavor begins with your attitude, and your attitude is ultimately determined by your beliefs. The good news is that, with a little bit of effort, your attitude and outlook on men and dating can be changed for the better.
Solution: Change your beliefs.
If your attitude determines your results, then you need to go about changing your attitude. As I mentioned before, your attitude is determined by your beliefs, which are your habitual thoughts regarding men, dating, your age, beauty, and what you as a woman bring to the table. If you want to change your attitude you have to figure out how to change your beliefs, which is at the core of every single effective personal development program and self-help book out there. (Note: For a personal recommendation, I encourage you to check out, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, by Dr. Shad Helmstetter. It’s one of the few books I consistently recommend to both men and women.)
We all know what it’s like to be in depressing, seemingly hopeless situations. It is all a part of the human experience. The beauty of these struggles however, is in who we decide to become while going through them. Who you decide to become will determine what you will allow yourself to believe, which will then determine how you act. While I’m not advising you to ignore the facts and realities of modern dating and your particular situation, you can choose what to focus on (problems vs. solutions) and how to utilize problem-solving knowledge to your advantage.
The first step to changing your belief system is to be aware of how your environment might be influencing your attitude. For starters, don’t allow your bitter single or divorced girlfriends or man-hating co-workers, etc., to shape your reality. Be adamant about extracting yourself from toxic environments that do not serve you. Doing so will help you to take control of your own mind so that you can establish a belief system that fills you with hope, that empowers you, and that saturates you with the energy you need to enthusiastically go after what you really want.
Something you should also consider is how your attitude and underlying beliefs affect your ability to assimilate and apply knowledge. This is why two women in relatively very similar dating situations can read the exact same information and experience two very different results. If a woman has the underlying belief that she is worthy of a man’s unconditional love, even as she struggles with unsuitable mates and dead-end relationships, this underlying belief will allow her to properly and consistently apply, test, and tweak the dating advice to her situation, thus allowing her to bounce back from these discouraging dating experiences until she finds the commitment she knows she deserves.
On the other hand, if a woman has the underlying belief that she is simply “not enough” for a good man or because of her age or past experiences she believes the game is lost for her, this underlying belief will thwart her efforts at applying even the most basic dating advice, as even the smallest romantic setback will have the capacity to completely demoralize her and immobilize her efforts at finding love.
In short, as you work on your own self-improvement, work on changing your attitude regarding men and dating. Silence the “mean-girl” inside your head and stay hopeful about finding Mr. Right. Become single-minded about going out to meet more suitable men, but be open to dating men you normally wouldn’t have tried before. Focus on having fun with the guys you meet and be sure to exploit your natural femininity whenever you’re around them. Continue to expand your knowledge about men, dating, and relationships, and most importantly, apply, test, and tweak everything that resonates with you and maybe even some of the stuff that might not.
No matter what your past experiences with men might have been, I encourage you to keep your hopes up and most importantly, take full control of your mind. At the end of the day, the only thing you have full control over is your mind, which should then give you full command over your own behavior. And while being controlling (trying to control a man and/or the trajectory of a relationship) almost always leads to romantic failures and dysfunctional relationships, being in-control of your own mind, and thus, your behavior, will make you far more effective when it comes to emotionally connecting with men and securing the relationship you truly desire. Remember that.
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